Earlier this year I lost two early pregnancies. Lost both of them at home and naturally. During the first pregnancy I knew something was off, I knew I was pregnant I recognized the symptoms. Before this I had three pregnancies that all ended with healthy and strong babies. This time was different the symptoms where muted not as strong as they should be. This was followed by pregnancy tests that had the faintest of faint lines and never got dark enough. On the day of my expected period I started to cramp really bad and kept running to the bathroom to check for bleeding. On one of those frantic trips to the bathroom after wiping I looked down and noticed that I was spotting. During subsequent trips I found that I was passing clots that didn’t look normal to me.
I knew from seeing that, that I had lost the pregnancy. I called my husband who was away that day and told him to come home. I also called my Mother in-law to come stay with the kids so I could go to the ER and make sure that I could pass the rest on my own. No one really knew what was going on or what to expect, my husband wasn’t really sure I was pregnant to begin with because the tests where so faint. I showed him the one I took that same morning that was a bit darker than the last so he finally understood what was going on.
I didn’t really anticipate when or where I would actually pass my baby, so when It finally happened while I was using the bathroom, it added a whole new level of sadness and grief that I had to look down and see what could have been and to have to flush all my hopes and dreams for that baby. I still haven’t recovered from that moment, people can sympathize with you with your loss but during moments like that you’re completely and utterly alone in your grief.
I would love to say that I was over it and that I don’t think about those two pregnancies on a daily basis but I can’t, maybe time will dull the pain maybe it won’t, but I hope that one day soon that I can at least stop wondering if I could have done something differently. I know deep down that these things happen, sometimes miscarriages just happen because your body knows that that fetus doesn’t have a chance, it’s hard to read that or hear it but that’s just the way it is.
to be continued…