There was a time when I needed advice from someone who had been in my shoes, but to my dismay i couldn’t find one. I found fatwas about rites for miscarriages and stillbirths, yet I struggled to find anything to help me cope with the grief aside from being told to remain patient.
However, patience wasn’t what I was missing. Both times I passed my babies the first thing I said was Alhamdulillah ‘ala kulli haal (All praise and thanks are only for Allah in all circumstances). What I was missing was someone to tell me that I will get through it, that I should take the time I needed, and that feeling grief or showing it was not a sign of lack of faith in Allah. Only Allah knows how much I wanted those babies, how often I wonder how they would have looked or what their future would have been like. I know that grief takes time and that one day I will not feel it as immensely as I do now, and I have hope for a day I will be able to think about them without tears streaming down my face as they are now.
Although I pray that one day I will be blessed with another child and have a healthy and happy pregnancy, I ask Allah to grant me understanding should he plan otherwise for he is the best of planners.
A few words of advice for those of you who have a loved one or friends or even an acquaintance who suffered a loss and is grieving: please don’t tell her that she should get over it or that she has been blessed with healthy babies and should be happy for that, or that its better that it happened so early instead of after getting attached to it, or even worst that “ it wasn’t even a really baby yet.” I can honestly say that as women, you are attached to that baby forever from the moment you feel like or think of conceiving and when you have the first signs of early pregnancy symptoms. It doesn’t matter how long that baby grew inside of you, you love it and are attached to it from the very beginning so do not make light of feelings you can’t fathom. That baby was real to us. We had hopes and dreams for it that only a mother can understand. Be kind, be loving, and most of all be there for your loved one.
If you or a loved one is suffering from depression or anxiety as a result of a miscarriage or stillbirth please encourage them to see a counselor during this difficult time. IT IS OK to ask for help. Call your family doctor or Ob/gyn for referrals and share your feelings with them.
Thank you all for taking the time out to read my posts. May Allah grant you all patience, strength and love in all your endeavours.